This means WAR! Sort of! Let's pretend!

Got your popcorn? Ask any media outlet, they’ll be happy to tell you that tonight’s SOTU speech is the most important of President Barack Obama’s career. So was the last one, of course, and next year’s promises to be significant-er still. Nevertheless! Any primetime address to a joint session of Congress is must-see-TV, especially considering the attention Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) got last year when he felt the need to share his feelings with the rest of the class. Given the support Wilson’s outburst won for an otherwise pretty unremarkable political career, don’t be shocked if one or even several aspiring political divas decide to make a grab for the limelight. Just in case, I’m sure Obama has prepared a heckler line or two; my humble suggestion would be:

“Hey, let me do my job – I don’t come down there when you’re teabagging and slap the…”


Of course, we don’t know exactly what the President will say, but we have a few clues. The biggest story tomorrow morning, assuming the Republican caucus doesn’t decide to moon our nation’s leader, will probably be a budget freeze for non-military discretionary spending. Is this good policy? Good politics? Nobody will be sure (because nobody who could really make that judgment honestly works for a major cable network). If nothing else, however, it provides what might be an interesting opportunity for some creative fudgemaking on the administration’s part. After all, push has come to shove on the President’s agenda for health care reform, and Obama’s on the ropes. Maybe, just maybe, this … means … war.

What war? The War on Death! Why not? We’ve had so many wars on so many things, and if there’s one thing we’ve learned it’s that war justifies any measure anybody might conceivably take. That’s why wars are so popular with people who don’t know what they’re doing. So what if you get confused, freak out, and start punching somebody’s grandmother – we’re at war, dammit! WAR!

The non-partisan offers a couple of definitions for the term ‘military’, and one of them is ‘of or pertaining to war’. Ergo, budget directed at a War on Death (health care reform? who dat?) would be military spending. And if you don’t agree with that assessment, maybe you should look in the mirror and ask yourself why you love death so much. This is America – we have a culture of life. You’re either with us, or you’re on the side of the Reaper. That’s right, Deathie, we’re on to you, and this great country has no use for your sort. Oh, you can talk about your so-called ‘freedom of speech’, but if the Founding Fathers had intended for people to die they would have written it into the Constitution. You heard me: we are a Living nation. Live free or die, you can’t have it both ways.