Theory: The Obama administration is plotting to bring socialism to our nation and punish decent, religious Americans for working.
Credentials Required to Support this Theory: A telepathic link with the President, plus doctoral-level experience in the fields of political theory and social psychology
Actual Credentials: Years of experience as a motivational speaker and author; also certification as an EMT and ambulance driver, and a black belt in Choi Kwang Do

 

Tommy Newberry can mess you up. At least, I’d assume so, unless Choi Kwang Do is the Korean art of sensual massage. Fortunately, thanks to his EMT and ambulance-driving skills he can subsequently stabilize your shattered body and drive it to a hospital. Then, while the doctors are fixing your arms, Tommy can fix your life.

As a professional ‘Life Coach’, Tommy can fix your career. And your kids, and your marriage. He will help you make your Personal Mission Statement. He will give you confidence, and help you harness your true potential. And trust me, you’re going to need every bit of that potential to survive when President Obama’s sinister plan to destroy the moral and economic fabric of America comes to pass.

It might be natural to dismiss the author of ‘The War on Success: How the Obama Agenda is Shattering the American Dream’ as a hack who has jumped on a wave of extreme-right anger to sell a few books. There is reason, however, to suppose that Tommy really believes what he’s written, because ‘believing things’ is pretty much his goal in life. Before he ever came to believe that these United Stated face imminent catastrophe, he shared with his public a list of 480 ‘thoughts’ that he has. There’s a certain amount of redundancy in this list (to be fair, that’s a lot of thoughts), but many of them provoke thoughts of their own:

  • I plan my TV watching
  • I think lovely thoughts
  • I memorize scripture
  • I feel turbo-charged
  • I am free of all toxins
  • I am in this moment right now
  • I focus on absolute truth
  • I am a creative genius

It’s not all about Tommy, however. The man is a walking blessing machine. His prayers bless others, and his joy blesses others; his marriage, nutritional habits, and ‘early morning ritual’ bless others too. And he is not too busy blessing others to be grateful for the good things in his own life: Tommy is grateful for his family and his friends, and also for his red blood cells, roll-over minutes on his cell-phone, pay-per-view movies, and Whole Foods grocery stores. He is also grateful for ‘secret intelligence gathering that goes on that we don’t know about’, and that ‘God made boys to be boys and girls to be girls’.

The more you learn about Tommy and his thoughts the more you realize that these aren’t ‘I thought it would be nice if we had a picnic’ thoughts. These are beliefs, and Tommy holds, promotes and sells them aggressively. In the midst of them all we have two in particular:

  • I praise God for knowing everything about everything
  • God is working through me

Tommy isn’t the first to confuse his thoughts with God’s, but he’s one of the most open about the fact. Everything Tommy says, does, and believes is dedicated to the principle that one should never, ever doubt one’s own absolute knowledge of what is right and what is true. This knowledge, of course, must come directly from God; non-divine sources of understanding are to be held with deep skepticism. Tommy even went so far as to write and publish a ‘Prayer for Discernment’, which begins:

Father God,

Help me to live intentionally, particularly when it comes to what I read, watch, and listen to on a consistent basis. Guide me to allow into my soul only those words, sounds, and images that support who you want me to become.

Tommy isn’t just utterly ignorant of any possible factual basis for what he says in his book – he has the most pious contempt for what he’d have to do to get it. That America’s President is planning to usher in a new and horrible era of ‘Big Government’, in which hard work is punished and various shadowy entities will divide the fruit of their labors among the shiftless proletariat, is capital-T-True. A fella doesn’t need to know much to know that. In fact, this fella would discourage you from knowing anything at all.

After all, why should Tommy bother with reality? He’s a creative genius! And he is, most certainly, a toxicon.

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