With apologies to Chris Rock

It’s like there’s a civil war going on in the US right now, and there’s two sides: there’s conservatives, and there’s teabaggers. The teabaggers have got to go.

Nothing makes a teabagger happier than not knowing the answer to your question. “Hey, what’s an example of your running mate having ever endorsed financial regulation?” “I’ll try to find some and bring ‘em to ya. Keepin’ it real … American! Not like those Northern Virginians!” Teabaggers love to keep it real. Real dumb.’Cause teabaggers don’t read. Reading is like kryptonite to a teabagger.

You can’t have a political platform when you’re around teabaggers, you can’t have a theory of government, you can’t have a budgetary policy! Well, you can have it, but you better move it in at three in the morning, call it the American Freedom Act and hope teabaggers think it’s going to buy Bibles for heterosexual Marines. Can’t have actual policy! Why? Because teabaggers will break into your political base and claim it’s socialism.

Teabaggers that ran for election under your party brand will get you kicked out of your safest district, come over the next day and go, “I heard you got beat.” Teabagger, you know you wrecked that campaign! You didn’t hear it, ‘cause you were doing it.

You can’t go meet with the leader of the nation you love, you know why? ‘Cause Teabaggers will throw a primary challenge at you. “It’s so great we’ve got a conservative, we gotta throw a Teabagger in here!”

You know the worst thing about Teabaggers? The worst thing? Teabaggers always want credit for things they’re supposed to do. A teabagger will brag about stuff a normal person just does. A teabagger will say something like, “The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s death panel.” You’re opposed to state-sponsored euthanasia, huh? Bully for you! Welcome to the same page as everybody else! “I’ve been so focused on state government, I haven’t really focused much on the war in Iraq!” What do you want, a cookie?! If you want to lead the nation you have to be able to do more than one thing at once! You can’t just pick your top few favorite issues and ignore the rest and still hope to lead, you low-expectation-having mother#%&*er!