Yep, for the next few days I’ll be at the Mariott Wardman Park Hotel in DC to witness the conservative political establishment in all its glory. If you’re in the neighborhood, you should come too! Why, you ask? Because whenever a large number of people gather to celebrate their ability to summarize their entire political philosophy in a single word, comedy gold will ensue. Come to hear career politicians rail against the culture of corruption in Washington! Come to insist that the government slash taxes and reduce the deficit! Come to mock the spineless, wimpy liberals who are plotting to seize your weapons and impose eugenics! Come to congratulate yourself on the fact that your values are the true values of the nation that voted you out of the House, the Senate, and the Oval Office!

What, still not convinced you should attend? Well then, let me put it this way…

[Cue the music]

It’s party time at CPAC! It’ll be a grand affair!

The very best and brightest of the right wing will be there!

A novelist who cheated on his taxes and his wife!

A guy who wants the gays to die (he’s ardently pro-life)!

A lobbyist for pharma who, as top Tea Party schemer,

Taught this other guy a thing or two ‘bout rousing crazy screamers!

There’s Cheney’s girl – the torture-fan, not the abomination –

And if there’s climate change in hell, this guy might lead the nation!

The mastermind whose strategies send Bush and Dole down swinging,

And a guy who flouts Geneva with his waterboards and singing!

This guy’s a godless liberal, but screw it, he’s a fixture.

And look! We’ve brought Macaca back, your favorite frothy mixture!

We gave this guy another job he’ll keep less than a week,

And we’ll let these two compete to be our party’s favorite freak!

We’ve got ourselves an actor! A Latino! And a Jew!

And we’ve even got a black guy who likes black guys less than you!

So come on out to CPAC, join the noisiest minority

As they wonder why America relieved them of authority.

We haven’t seen so many stars of right-wing politics

Beneath one roof since Nuremberg in 1946!


A little over-the-top? Definitely. I look at it as sort of a decompression exercise, like a deep-sea diver about to surface – if I can smash Godwin’s Law into tiny slivers before the festivities get started, I hope to avoid being torn limb from limb by the sudden shift in rhetorical pressure. Anyway, I’m looking forward to it. Hope to see ya!